It’s been over a year since my last blog post. I have removed all but two rather significant blog posts. This is for one major reason: I have decided that a fresh start is more than necessary. The two posts I kept are 1) a dream that I still consider very important to my spiritual development, and 2) my stance on human trafficking – which still stands as an issue worth talking about.
But I digress.
The posts I’ve deleted were, essentially, almost all the same – bleak, hopeless, or completely irrelevant. They came from a soul which was dreary, desolate, and seriously lacking in joy – which is not a way in which I’d like to remember myself, nor would I care for others to remember me in this way.
So, in essence, I am rebranding and starting over from scratch. Where this is going, I haven’t the faintest idea. I have Jesus, and I have the people who love me, and I have hope, regardless of all circumstances.
Yesterday, I returned to Texas after a whirlwind two days in Nashville. My fiancé and I had discussed this trip since months before he proposed to me a few weeks ago. I am so thankful we had the opportunity to go – even though Arkansas is a horrible, horrible place to drive through, and Memphis at rush hour is a frightening experience. We stayed with some dear friends, Mary and Jordan, and it was an incredible two days of coffee, engagement photos, picnics, Opryland Hotel, long walks, quiet moments, and intense, honest vulnerability – the kind that can only come from genuine, long-lasting friendships. It was a time for video games, laughter, prayer, and inspiration – inspiration to write for the first time in ages. The main point of this post is, of course, to share the writing. I sat down one afternoon while Mary was working, Jordan was doing math, and Andrew was reading…and this happened.
Tonight, she waits.
Caught under a sea of midnight sky
With no light but the streetlamps,
She is patient, always.
Yet her patience grows cold with the wind.
“The only thing I really miss is the stars.”
Her heart withers with time as she continues
Waiting for the storms to come,
For the clouds to dampen the light,
But they won’t.
It’s impossible to dim the lamps
She hopes for the lamps to go out,,
For the skies to clear and her stars to return.
Waits for this cursed emptiness to fade,
For the sense of purpose to finally come – the reason she came here.
The reason she waits to leave.
False promises, inklings of hope scattered in the darkness,
Keeping her waiting.
She’s not even sure what story to tell,
What is the night and what is the light left in her.
Where is the promise? Where are her hopes?
Where is the love her God spoke into her so long ago?
“It’s never left me,” she whispers.
“I’ve just never seen it come alive.”
But how does love come alive in someone
(How does purpose breathe without love?)
When that someone doesn’t even know what
Being alive looks like?
Is it sunshine and stars,
The open road ahead,
A fast car and loud music?
Is it city lights and busy nights,
Coffee and venues,
Colorful places and people?
Does it come with friendship,
With heart-wrenching agony?
Does it come when
One’s heart is so full of laughter
That one’s ribs ache
And face hurts?
Or does it come
When one’s heart is so
That it hurts to breathe?
Can life be found in the pain?
How can it be found in beauty
And in the ugliness and spiritual drought
Which can so easily wrench a human soul
And render it to nothing?
Is life in education, in ignorance,
In wealth, in great poverty?
In sorrows and victories?
How can life be present in the sense of emptiness,
The kind where it feels as if
NOTHING IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE?
It makes her head swim and her heart scream
Yet her Jesus, the One who can free her,
Calls to her.
“I AM life, My love.”
“I AM in your joy – and your sorrow,
If you will let Me be.
I have liberated your heart
SO MANY TIMES
Do you not realize?”
“I AM safety, and I AM what you’d call ‘danger’.
(The things that don’t make sense.)
I AM in your heart-wrenching pain,
And I can tell you this.
That. Is. NOT. Who. You. Are.
You are MINE, Beloved.
From the ends of the earth
I have called to you.
And to the ends of the earth
I will guide you
(If you will let Me.)”
“Your life is not your own,
For I LOVE YOU,
And I have greater things
Than where you are now.
You will come alive
As you come to Me,
And as you follow
The passions I have laid
Upon that heart of yours.”
“Coming alive is all these things
(And SO MUCH MORE)
But only with Me,
And only when you
The love I have given you
This is not the end.
It is only another beginning.